


reality vs expectation

by canniballistics



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-28
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-02-06 15:22:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1862763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canniballistics/pseuds/canniballistics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the Winter Soldier killed Howard and Maria Stark. that's not quite him, not anymore, and takes him a while to understand that. </p><p> </p><p>set after The Winter Soldier. companion to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1786159">this</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	reality vs expectation

**Author's Note:**

> decided to rewrite [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1786159) from Bucky's POV.

He hadn't been too keen on the idea at first. In fact, when Steve had first proposed taking him to see Tony Stark, he hadn't liked it at all. It had taken him months to be able to bring himself to stay with Steve, weeks after that to stop leaving in the middle of the night. Steve had assured him, though, that they wouldn't stay; it'd just be a few hours a day to let Stark examine his arm, make any repairs that need doing, learn whatever he can from it. If it had been suggested by anyone other than Steve, he might have rejected them outright. But the truth of the thing was that his arm _had_ started to feel sluggish, like it was on the verge of a malfunction without the HYDRA techs to perform upkeep. So he'd agreed, and Steve had taken him to Stark's tower.

(He learns, while there, that Stark designed specific floors for each of Steve's...not _friends_ , but they're not coworkers, either. There are specific floors for every member of the Avengers, and Steve isn't occupying his.

And knows it's his fault, despite what Steve says.)

He can tell Stark doesn't like him from the start. That's unsurprising, doesn't faze him in the least. He isn't expecting anyone to like him, much less tolerate him, so it surprises him when they first arrive and a quiet man with glasses shakes his hand and introduces himself. Offers to fix him something to drink once they're done with their meeting; there's a laugh (from the other man) as he admits that "Tony takes some getting used to". Steve just nods his agreement, and Dr. Banner waves them down to the labs.

True to the warning, Tony Stark is loud and talkative, too much energy thrown at him all at once. It's an obvious and feeble attempt to hide how the engineer really feels, and truthfully, he wonders why Stark even bothers. He and Steve had talked about it before, have the same conversation every morning: the rest of the world may not recognize him, may not know him, but Steve works with exceptional people. They'll know who he is and what he's done, and some of them may not be comfortable with it. (He doesn't know why Steve feels the need to reiterate it - if any of the Avengers were okay with what he'd done, he'd be immediately suspicious of them and demand Steve cease contact immediately.) Stark doesn't like him, actually seems to be more comfortable having Steve stay in the workshop with them and chatters at him the entire time. Barnes (because he isn't Bucky, not yet) can't help feeling grateful that the only attention he's given is directed at his arm.

To their credit, he and Steve don't take Dr. Banner up on his offer of drinks before they leave for the night, though it's close.

The fourth time they meet, Stark asks about just taking his arm. "It'd- save on time, travel. You guys wouldn't have to keep coming here like this. And, not that I'm impressed or anything, but this is some nice workmanship and it'd be best if I could—"

" _No_." The comment had been directed at Steve, but Barnes is the one who answers. Instinctive and immediate as he pulls his arm back, and the tools Stark has it hooked up to groan dangerously as they drag across the exam table. It's the first thing he's said (of his own volition - Steve insisted he introduce himself), and both Steve and Stark are more than surprised by the vehemence behind it. It takes him a minute to remember the words, suddenly uncomfortable with their eyes on him and voice quiet again. "You can't."

Stark turns to Steve wordlessly, who shakes his head. There's a hint of a smile on his face, though; what is he pleased about? "Don't look at me. You heard the man. He doesn't want you to take his arm, you're not going to."

The evening had ended shortly after that, and when they got back to Steve's apartment, Steve told him he was proud and asked if he wanted to watch Dog Cops. (He still doesn't know what he was proud of.)

The rest of the visits go smoothly, or as smoothly as they can when Tony Stark is involved. Steve assures him it's normal for things to explode without warning, and for the robot in the corner of the lab to accidentally knock things ( _every damn thing_ ) off the counters from time to time. He even gets used to the disembodied voice - JARVIS compliments them sometimes when they arrive, and it's weirder than anything to have a computer tell him he's looking well.

It isn't until two weeks have passed, when Steve can't come with him, that the fragile peace that settles into the lab shatters. He does just fine on his own getting to the Tower, and when he arrives, JARVIS tells him that Stark is down in his lab and that they're the only two in the building. He heads downstairs, tries to ignore the look on Stark's face when he sees that he's alone.

He opens the door anyway, waves him in with a strained but conversational, "Where's Cap? Taking a capnap? I swear, geezers these days."

The truth is that he'd gotten a call from one of his friends (his only real friend, as far as Barnes is concerned); Wilson had asked him to come to the VA for something, and he'd insisted that Barnes go on to the Tower anyway. Without Steve in the room to mediate things, it's a lot quieter, neither of them talking to the other as music plays quietly in the background. They go for an impressive half hour before Stark speaks up again.

"So."

He's been lost in the wrinkles and crevices of his right hand, mind almost blissfully blank as he sits there. Silence is comfortable for him, used to not speaking; when he hears the word, he looks up, surprised. Doesn't say anything, waiting for more to go off of, and when Stark looks up from his arm, he has a frown on his face. When Stark asks about his memory, he has to actively keep himself from shutting down. It's one thing if he wants to talk about something. It's another if it's about _him_. " _Tony's kind of an eccentric, but you can trust him, Buck. Same with the rest of the Avengers. They might take a little warming up to, but you can trust any of them, same as you trust me._ " Steve's words echo in his head, and after a second, he responds with the truth.

"No. Not a lot. Not- right." The truth, wondering if he really _can_ trust Stark. Events are out of order in his mind, images foggy and unclear. Sometimes he dreams he's in the canteen with a hundred other laughing men; other times he dreams he's standing atop their corpses.

The answer seems to be good enough for Stark, who asks him more questions. About December, a man and a woman. And he realizes: this must be important to him. He isn't sure why, but it must be. It must have something to do with him. He doesn't know, though, couldn't give him the date if he was asked, and when he shakes his head, Stark finally drops the act. Barnes watches as he taps through a tablet, doesn't move as he thrusts an old picture at him. Stark says their names ( _Howard and Maria Stark_ ), and something in his head clicks into place.

He knows the man in the picture, and despite how old it is, he can recognize Stark as a child. Something isn't right.

"You killed them. Staged it to look like an accident, but this? This was all you."

He can't help a little flinch then, the memories sudden as they slam into him. Remembers flames radiating heat against his face despite the cold at his back as he stands and watches a car burn. Remembers the look on the driver's face when he saw him, the way the man's eyes widened and how he'd started to reach toward him.

He remembers walking away, and the car exploding not a minute later.

Stark is still talking, almost yelling now, and it finally makes sense why this matters to him. He can't bring himself to respond, staring down at the picture. He knows this man. _Howard Stark._ He knows—

The tablet is taken, tossed away to clatter elsewhere, but the image is already burned into his mind. "You don't have anything to say for yourself?"

"No." _So_ you're _the reason Rogers wanted me to fly him over enemy airspace in the middle of the night? You don't look like much, kid, but I'll let you impress me._ "Nothing I say will bring them back."

It's quiet in the lab then, save for a thud as Stark drives his fist into the table. Barnes doesn't look up, eyes unfocused as he thinks more on the memories swirling through his head than the furious tech genius in front of him. More than anything, he recalls the way Howard Stark swaggered around, his seemingly endless air of confidence.

"I remember him."

He knows the words catch Stark's attention, and it's absent, the way his fingers start tapping at the table. A slight frown crosses his face, words halting as he speaks. "Not a lot, but some." He tilts his head just a little, thinks of a cocksure grin and narrow eyes. "He smoked cigars, liked to drink." Distinctly remembers the man offering to buy the Commandos a round of drinks after a mission well done, the men heartily taking him up on the offer. "Treated me'n Steve like equals." He pauses, and suddenly, it makes him feel sick, the realization of what he's done. "I liked him."

Because no matter how many times Steve sees fit to tell him that the Winter Soldier's actions weren't his own, he knows that's not true. His stomach lurches as he thinks about it, and now he thinks he knows why Howard had reached out to him in the car.

(He feels even worse thinking that Howard might have recognized him.)

He looks up at Stark, sees echoes of his father in his face and focuses on his eyes to avoid it. There's really nothing else he can say, is there?

"I'm sorry."

It's the most he can offer him, and honestly, if Stark wanted to get revenge, he doesn't think he'd stop him. (Understanding what he'd done as the Winter Soldier is a far cry from accepting and living with it.) He sits in silence then, waiting for more of Stark's rage, to see what he'll do. It doesn't surprise him when he storms back to the table, but he _is_ confused when Stark removes his tools and urges him to leave. He stands, hesitates. "I—"

"Get. _Out_."

After a second, he nods, excuses himself from the lab. When he gets back upstairs, Dr. Banner and Romanoff are sitting at a table, chatting amicably, and they both (noticeably) go silent when he appears. Romanoff still doesn't seem to trust him, which is understandable; he can still see her running away through the sight of a gun, feel the resistance of the trigger as he pulls it. He wouldn't trust himself either. What he _doesn't_ understand is when she makes an effort to be friendly, invites him to sit down with them. Dr. Banner pulls out a chair, and he hesitates before shaking his head. He can't be around people, especially not someone he'd nearly killed. Not right now, after what happened with Stark. So he turns down the invitation, and when he makes it back to Steve's apartment, he sits on the couch in silence and waits for him to return.

He doesn't tell Steve what happened, and the next day, they get a call from Ms. Potts (he remembers her: Stark's assistant - pretty, nervous around him) saying that Stark "isn't feeling well and needs to reschedule." Steve doesn't understand why she says he'll send word for them instead of settling on a date, and Barnes doesn't offer the information. If Stark never calls on them again, he won't be surprised.

Two days pass, and it's on the third day that they get another call, this time from the Tower itself. JARVIS is a program, not the Tower, he reminds himself, and there's a slight frown when he hangs up the phone and turns to Steve. "Stark wants us to come to the lab," he relays, confused.

"About damn time," Steve says, and he turns off the TV once the news anchor finishes the story. When he sees his face, there's a little frown. "You okay, Buck?"

A quick nod. Nothing he says can get Steve to stop calling him Bucky, but maybe that's a good thing. He's starting to get used to it, wonders if soon he won't mind it at all. But Steve wants an answer, so he shrugs lightly. "It's...been a while. That's all."

It's a feeble excuse, but Steve seems to accept it when nothing else comes. So they pick themselves up, and after a few minutes, they're on their way. He can feel Steve glancing over at him the entire time, knows that he's suspicious, but doesn't offer an explanation. He and Stark are friendly; it's a fragile balance that he doesn't want to upset.

Steve needs all the friends he can get.

When they get to the Tower, Ms. Potts pulls Steve to the side, trying to speak in hushed tones and not quite succeeding. (Barnes pretends not to hear anyway.) Something about Stark barricading himself in his lab the past few days, asking him to let her know if he's okay. Steve warns him as they make their way down the stairs: "Tony's got a habit of locking himself in his lab when he takes on a new project. If he's smelly or looks funny or... I dunno, a little crazy, don't mind it too much, okay?"

(It's kind of funny, actually, that Steve would be this familiar with Stark's habits. If anything, it's a relief to know he's made friends he can be this comfortable with.)

When they get to the lab, they can see Stark eating through the windows. Steve puts his thumb up against the scanner, keys in his code, and as soon as they walk in, Stark's got his fork pointed at them, instructs them to sit. Barnes frowns, wondering what's going on. It's...far more amicable than he'd expected Stark to be. But he and Steve sit on the other side of the table as they're asked, and watch as Stark starts rooting around on a shelf behind him. When he tosses the piece of metal onto the table in front of them, it looks oddly familiar. Same shape and curve of his own shoulder, but with Steve's shield where the star should be. He frowns.

"What is it?"

Stark starts to explain, talking about HYDRA and his arm, and Barnes can feel his hackles rising. Ready to turn him down, whatever he's about to propose. But the words don't make any sense, and he picks up the metal plate when invited to. Inspects it, wonders idly if this is what it looks like on the inside of his shoulder. He still doesn't understand what it's for, and his frown deepens. "I don't understand. Why did you do this?"

"Peace offering. Kind of." _Oh_. "For last time." When Stark had (rightly) been furious about his parents. Barnes doesn't understand why he'd need a peace offering; he didn't blame him at all. But it's the final question that stuns him into silence.

"Want me to install it for you?"

He's trying to make peace. Barnes looks up at him quickly, quiet as he tries to find any hint of deception in his face, and when he finds none, his gaze goes back to the new metal plate Stark had designed. Steve grips his shoulder, and it's a comforting, grounding feeling, in stark contrast to the airy fluttering in his gut. (Takes him a minute to understand what it is. _Excitement._ ) It's true that he's reminded of HYDRA and all the things he's done for them every time he sees his arm. But he'd figured there wasn't anything to be done about it: he isn't about to give it up, and there's no changing history. This, though...

It's a chance to start changing the way he sees his arm, at least, as his own thing instead of a HYDRA weapon, and after a few minutes, he nods. "I'll... Yeah. Okay." The opportunity makes him lightheaded, and Steve squeezes his shoulder again comfortingly.

Stark claps his hands, and Steve takes over from there, the two of them talking and making plans to install it. Barnes is left staring at the plate, runs his finger over the curve of Steve's miniaturized Captain America shield. Steve nudges him, repeats the question they'd asked, and when Tony shoots him a grin, Bucky nods back.

"Thanks."


End file.
